Trick or Treat?
Halloween has always been complicated for me
Halloween is a holiday that I have gone rounds with.
There are photos of me and my younger brother dressed up as cute things when we were little kids. Sometimes my grandma made our costumes. I was reminded today of a purple unicorn for me and a green dinosaur for my brother. We grew up in the Mid-west where you had to plan for costumes to go over snow boots and winter coats. But that was all just part of the fun.
When I was 10 years old my parents joined some new religion and we were told we couldn’t trick-or-treat any more. They told us it was the devil’s holiday…I had no idea what that meant and truly didn’t understand why we couldn’t dress up and go door to door to get candy like we had every other year. The next year we moved to a small town in the state next door and not only were we the new kids, we were the new kids that couldn’t go trick-or-treating. When my 11 year old peers asked why, I never really knew what to say. I just sort of shrugged, and hid my sadness for my bedroom where I could cry alone without being judged or getting in trouble.
This particular religious phase didn’t last long. I remember after another move and their divorce, my parents being indifferent about halloween. By that time I was verging on too old to go trick-or-treating, so I didn’t. Instead I took my littlest brother who is 10 years younger than me. He loved it and I was the responsible older sister by then.
At 14 one of my best friends convinced me that I should come over for Halloween and go with her and a group. So after I took my little brother out, I went over to her place. It started snowing, lightly at first, but then it came down quickly. We lived in a small college town and because of the weather, not many kids were out. We were all four wearing bathrobes, slippers, and towels wrapped up on our heads and every where we went we got a ton of candy because people were excited to see some trick-or-treaters. One woman dumped the whole bowl of candy in our bags between the 4 of us and then as we were leaving called us back because her engagement ring fell off. We dumped all of our bags and found it. She was so grateful she went to her kitchen to het her extra stash of candy and gave us even more. When it was time for me to go home, my friend’s mom’s car wouldn’t start in the cold and I was late. My mom grounded me for it.
Then as I became a late teen and convinced I was an adult, Halloween became about parties and drinking. I have sort of participated and sort of not. Halloween has always been complicated for me. It leaves a scar when something like that is abruptly taken away.
In my early 20’s, I was visiting family in Colorado one year and was invited last minute to a party. I borrowed some things from my grandma’s closet, a walking stick of her’s that had a small head on it, some scarves, a cloak, some cheap face paint and plastic jewelry and made myself a homemade Shaman/Gora. When I showed up at the party, it was like I missed the memo about being a sexy ___________ (fill in the blank). There was a sexy bride, and sexy cowgirl, a sexy cheerlead, etc. I felt out of place.
In my late 20’s I went out with a friend I was visiting. She had been in the habit of handing out condoms at local bars on Halloween and often incorporated that into her costume. We did an angel devil duo that was spectacularly fun!
In adulthood and 30’s now I am rediscovering the fun of Halloween. Outside of binge drinking, and costume expectations, just finding fun in the simple joys and silliness of it. Tonight, I sat outside with my Love and the jack-o-lanterns that we carved and handed out candy to neighborhood kids. And that was lovely, and the first time I have done that.
This holiday is still evolving for me and I know there will be more Halloween adventures to come!
